The story of the worst week of my life (warning: long personal post, picture of cat is total clickbait)

"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher) 02/26/2019 at 12:53 • Filed to: Familylopnik

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I would like to tell you all the story of the worst week of my life. It happened nearly seven years ago, in May of 2012. The reason I’m telling you this is two-fold. First, I found myself telling the story in person a couple times recently, and struggling to recall the details. So, I figured I should write it down before they fade away from me forever. Second, I consider this a tale of survival. A lot of fellow Opponauts have been having a rough go of it lately. Life shit-hammered me during this week in ways I could never have imagined, and yet I came out the other side pretty ok all things considered.

Wednesday, May 2nd:

Immediately after the end of the school day, I got an urgent phone call that my mom is in the hospital. Mom hadn’t been feeling well for 6-8 months, and she had been going to various doctors trying to figure out what was going on. The doctor she had visited that day found a lump on her liver, another on her lungs, and the sack around her heart was filled with fluid. Mom was in the ICU.

I got there as fast as I could. We knew she had some sort of cancer, and that she was in bad shape, but not much else. They stabilized her, and around 9:00 pm we left her at the hospital and went to dinner. Just as we were finishing our food, Dad got a call from the hospital. Mom was having a heart attack. We hauled ass out of there and got back to the hospital pretty quickly. I really don’t have the words to describe the feeling of dread, but the news at the end of the night was positive. They had done bypass surgery, and she was OK. She was understandably exhausted when we got to see her, so we kept it short and let her go to sleep. I went back to my parents’ house and I think my Dad and I both collapsed around 2 or 3 am.

Thursday, May 3rd:

This was my parent’s 37th wedding anniversary. At least my mom had lived to see it. I don’t really remember much about this day. My parents friends came and went. There was the annoying giving and taking back and altering of information that always seems to occur in hospitals. The floor above the ICU was undergoing major renovations, so we got to listen to the sound of jackhammers all day.

My wife was due to come home that night from a little vacation with her friend. As I was on my way to pick her up, a small in size, but incredibly powerful thunderstorm rolled through the area. She landed on-time, but the interstate slowed to a crawl. I was an hour late to pick her up. I thought it was weird that I wasn’t getting any calls from her, so when I finally rebooted my phone as I was almost there, I found several voicemails from her wondering where the hell I was. We were just happy to see each other though. We went to a late night diner, and I filled her in on everything that had happened. It was another very late night.

Friday, May 4th:

Before she had left for vacation, my wife had suspected she was pregnant. That morning she took the test. We were elated to find out that she was indeed pregnant with our first child! We decided that because Mother’s Day was only nine days away, instead of telling my mom we would give her a grandmother card. This would be my mom’s first grandbaby, and she would be absolutely over the moon happy.

We made our way to the hospital by late morning. Mom had been transferred to a regular room, thankfully, and was doing much better. She was really happy to see my wife. We got to spend several hours alone with Mom. Just chatting about life and such. At one point she said something about how great it would be when we had kids, and how much we would enjoy it. My wife and I shot each other a long look. I almost blurted it out, but I wanted to have our clever reveal, so I didn’t.

As afternoon faded to evening, Mom was released from the hospital. She climbed up into the back seat of my truck, and we cruised home. I can still see her in my rearview mirror. Happy, but exhausted. Peaceful.

Saturday, May 5th:

When I went outside Saturday morning, I found a steak knife sticking out of the sidewall of my left rear truck tire. I filed a police report and put on the spare. Thankfully my truck’s spare tire winch cooperated that day.

All the hens descended on Saturday night to “help.” Bringing food and comotion, and well intentions. One to them kept trying to make my wife drink. I think I finally snapped and told her to leave us the fuck alone. It was a lot to deal with that night.

Sunday, May 6:

By now we were all exhausted. My wife and I stayed home to rest, and give Mom some time to rest herself. We exchanged some texts that evening. She was feeling better.

Monday, May 7:

I got called to the principal’s office that morning. I found out I was being transferred for the following school year. I was just completing my third year at that school. I finally had the shop set up the way I wanted, knew everybody in the building and how everything worked, and had my reputation firmly established among the students. Thanks for the icing on the shit-sandwich guys, that was just what I needed.

That afternoon I got another panicked phone call. Mom had collapsed at home, and had been rushed back to the hospital. Now, from here through Tuesday the 8th, my timeline gets fuzzy. I can’t really remember what happened when. It was either Monday or Tuesday afternoon, that they did another bypass surgery on her. Mom’s blood was clotting like crazy, and they were having a hard time getting it to thin out. After all of that, we got her settled into a room on Tuesday night. My wife and I went home, but my sister had decided she was going to stay in the hospital with mom that night.

Wednesday, May 9th:

We were awoken by a phone call at 2:00 am. It was my sister, telling me to get there right now. We jumped in the truck and headed that way. The interstate was under major construction, and was down to one lane. ONE. FUCKING. LANE. For something like 20 miles. That was an excruciating drive.

When we got off the elevator at the hospital, the chaplain was there to meet us. I knew that was bad, but I didn’t realize exactly what was happening until I saw the plaque next to the door of the room we were walking into. The Family Crisis Center. That’s when I knew.

I honestly have no idea if it was my sister or my dad who told me that Mom had passed away. My wife and I collapsed into each other, sobbing uncontrollably. Through the tears I told them that my wife was pregnant. I was so upset that I hadn’t gotten to tell her. That I had missed my chance. My dad smiled and told me that she had figured it out.

I believe him. My mom was no fool, and she had seen that look my wife and I exchanged at the mention of having kids. Still, not telling her when I had the chance is my one genuine regret in life. I so wish I could have seen her reaction. My mom absolutely loved being a mother. I can imagine her smile, her hug, and her glee at finding out she was going to have a grandbaby, but I never got to see it.

Four days later was our first Mother’s Day without our mother. That was really hard. I can’t honestly say I remember anything about it. I still have the grandmother card that we were going to give to Mom. I felt like life had just curb-stomped me.

Lots of people reached out to offer support. Friends near and far. I did appreciate that, but I ultimately turned inward. I poured every ounce of energy into getting our house ready before the baby came, as we were in the middle of remodeling the entire second floor when this all happened. I should have taken a little of that time for myself though. Instead I rebuffed just about everybody. That was a mistake.

As time has gone by, the loss gets easier, and the pain grows less immediate. I no longer think of Mom every single day, like I did for several years. For a long time, if I woke up in the middle of the night and had three thoughts, one of them would surely be about my mom. That doesn’t happen so much anymore.

Which is not to say that my mom is forgotten, far from it. My family all got together this past Saturday to celebrate what would have been her 65th birthday. We still speak of her often. I still think about her regularly, and how much she would have enjoyed being a grandma. I would give literally anything to have gotten to see her hold my baby just once, but that was not to be. It’s hard to believe that she’s been gone almost seven years already. Time marches on though, doesn’t it?

Well, that’s the story of easy the most difficult week of my life. I’m not posting this to look for sympathy, or get attention. I know lots of others have had much rougher things to deal with. The most important thing I can hope to communicate, is that no matter how shitty things can get, life will go on and things will get better. Sometimes that’s a lot of work, no doubt, but there is always hope.

Here’s a picture of a big fuzzy moose cat, who is hoping I don’t kick him out of my chair (I didn’t).

TheRealBicycleBuck > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:10

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That’s a lot to deal with in one week. I can be thankful that my mom’s passing was slow, so we had a lot of time to share. I still wish I had more time to talk to her and record all of the stories. So much of our family history passed with her.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Losing my mom was one of the hardest experiences in my life. Stories like yours help me realize that I’m not alone in how I feel about that.

Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:14

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Oof. I’m sure she knew. Mom s are awesome like that. Still, I’m sorry for your loss.

I recently had a similar scare that I didn’t post about. My d ad went in for an heart ablation a couple weeks ago that should have been totally routine . When I hadn’t heard back by mid-afternoon I began getting concerned. When I hadn’t heard back by the evening I started making phone calls. Weirdly I had no idea what hospital he was in or what his fiance’s phone number was. (Bad son of the year award, right here.) His fiance ended up calling me from his phone. E verything was OK it was just taking longer than expected. An hour later I get the call that there were complications and they were taking him to the OR . Shit. I pack a bag, drop the dogs off at the sitter,  and start driving that way (~2 hours). Worst drive of my life. When I was sitting at home waiting for news, I was OK telling myself it is what it is and even if the worst happens, my being there wouldn’t change anything. Driving there felt made everything feel very... real. Tl;dr they ended up repairing a couple holes in his heart and he pulled through after a week in the ICU, but shit me that was the worst. He was also super bummed as it was supposed to be a 0.1% chance they’d have to do open heart surgery but... here we are.

Nick- Professional Car Destroyer > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:14

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Similar to what I consider the worst week of my life. It’s been 10 and some change years since I lost my mom, it definitely gets easier to live with, but I still always look back regretting things, not telling her I loved her the morning before I left for school, arguing with her instead, thinking that either of those things would have changed that day at all.

Hardest decision of my life was deciding to take her off life support at the age of 15.

shop-teacher > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo 02/26/2019 at 13:22

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That drive must have been excruciating.   I’m glad to hear he pulled through!

shop-teacher > Nick- Professional Car Destroyer 02/26/2019 at 13:25

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Whoa.  That is very heavy for someone of your age then to deal with.  I was 30 when this happened, so I was a bit better equipped.

Nick- Professional Car Destroyer > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:27

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Yeah, it was tough, especially since no one I knew could really relate to it and understand what was going on.

But its a part of life, we all have to face death in some way eventually, I just got it over with early.

Nothing > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:31

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Thanks for sharing, that sounds like a terrible week.

I remember “the call” 21 years ago, when I was told I needed to be at the hospital ASAP for my dad. ASAP was tough, as it was a 10 hour drive away. By the time I got to the hospital in my small hometown at 5 AM, the parking lot was nearly empty, so it was right then that I knew. I sat in the parking lot by myself for a little bit before heading to my childhood home where I knew everyone would be. That drive was excruciating.

Someday I’ll be willing to share the story of when my daughter died, but I’m not there yet. Next year will be the 10 year anniversary.

shop-teacher > TheRealBicycleBuck 02/26/2019 at 13:31

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When I was going through this, my best friend was in the middle of loosing his mom to cancer very slowly. She took most of year, whereas my mom was gone in a week. We’ve debated in the past which one was better or worse. I conclusion was that they both thoroughly suck, just for different reasons.

Much of our family history was lost with my mom as well. I’m doing my best to tell the stories I remember to my kids, so at least they’ll have something.

I’ve always found talking about it to be very cathartic. We all have our own personal tragedies. A s different as they can be, there’s a lot of commonality too .

TorqueToYield > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:37

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Goddamnit whos cutting onions at work.

Monkey B > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:37

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hard read...thanks for sharing. It’s also incredibly pertinent to me as m y gf’s dad entered Hospice on Friday and I’m surprised he’s still hanging on . It’s hard watching her go through this, it’s going to be so much harder when he let’s go . It’s been 3 weeks, 3 days since he entered the hospital...the first night they said there was likely nothing to be done. The following three weeks they proceeded as if they could and he suffered. It’s my opinion that Hospice measures were 2 weeks late.

I’ve never witnessed someone at this stage and it has me questioning how we deal with death, those dying and how far we let it go. Our pets we don’t let suffer, but will wring every painful second out of loved ones. It’s shown me I need to have measures in place as I don’t want to suffer like that for the sake of being around a few more days.

shop-teacher > Nothing 02/26/2019 at 13:38

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It was pretty bad. I can’t imagine that drive taking 10 hours though.

As for your daughter.  I really cannot imagine that pain.  I certainly don’t judge you for not being willing or able to share that. 

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:48

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In May of 2012 I was preparing our new house for us to move in not knowing that in a few short months I’d lose my father. My one genuine regret is that he never got to drive Rat-L -Trap.

CaptDale - is secretly British > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 13:50

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That is a really rough week. Thank you for sharing. Very sad indeed. I am scared of that day with my mother, thankfully as I am young she should have a while here still.

fintail > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 14:03

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That’s tough. It can help to let it out and share like that.

Somewhat reminds me of my own experience. My parents split when I was a senior in HS, dad eventually moved away to a distant corner of the state, I went off to school in the opposite corner, etc. We stayed in touch now and then, but never found time to visit each other as it was a long trip and not much free time. Several years later, I was visiting my sister who had just returned from visiting dad, and she suggested I visit him, as he was slowing down a bit (my dad was ~40 when I was born, so heading for 70 by then) and she had some worries . A month later I visited him, and it was a great experience, we reconnected and it was like old times. Several months later, he unexpectedly passed away, taken by an aneurysm and that was it. I still remember getting the call, and making the trek to where he lived - by then he was effectively gone. I’m thankful for that last visit, and still miss him 13 years later.

shop-teacher > Nick- Professional Car Destroyer 02/26/2019 at 14:04

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I think that’s a very healthy attitude you have about it.

shop-teacher > Monkey B 02/26/2019 at 14:06

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That sounds remarkably similar to how things ended for my mother-in-law a few years ago, and that was another brutal experience . One thing I have always been thankful for, is my mom did not suffer for long.

shop-teacher > fintail 02/26/2019 at 14:11

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I have always found it helpful to share the experiences. Just about everybody it seems has had a similar enough experience to relate.

I’m glad you got that last visit.  I have come to cherish that Friday in the hospital, when for several hours it was just myself and my mom and my wife chatting about life and such, and telling stories.

shop-teacher > CaptDale - is secretly British 02/26/2019 at 14:13

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You’re welcome, thanks for reading.

If I have learned anything, it’s that life is fragile.  Hopefully you and your mom will have many many years together, but never take it for granted.  I never ever leave the house in the morning without telling my wife and daughters that I love them.

shop-teacher > TorqueToYield 02/26/2019 at 14:14

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SORRRRRRY!

TheRevanchist > Nothing 02/26/2019 at 14:20

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I understand. This was what I wrote, the abbreviated version of what happened , a couple of years ago (from my twitter DMs to someone going through some stuff ).

Granted, there are so many details you have in your head. Y ou just can’t share all of those moments at once.  The little things that happen.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:08

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Can’t imagine feeling all those emotions in one week... Thanks for sharing. If you haven’t already, please save this somewhere else for safekeeping. As much as I want OPPO to live on forever, we should all treat it as something that could be gone forever tomorrow. 

I’m 41, and I’m fortunate to still have both of my parents, but my dad’s been through some tough spots, and my mom’s having a hard time recently (needs surgery for back/hip pain). I’m hopeful I have many more years with both of them, but I’m not taking it for granted...

shop-teacher > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/26/2019 at 15:11

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It was one hell of a roller-coaster, that’s for sure! I do have this saved elsewhere, and a longer version too, but I figured 1900 words was enough for Oppo :)

Hopefully you have many more good years with your parents, but I’m glad to hear you’re not taking them for granted.  Life is fragile.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Nothing 02/26/2019 at 15:12

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Damn... like shop-teacher said, I just can’t  imagine...

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:20

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Thanks. Just wish they weren’t so far away (about 8 hours by car ). I have been much better in recent years about giving them a call once a week or so.

shop-teacher > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/26/2019 at 15:22

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That is tough, but the calls do make a big difference.  I’ve been working on that as well with my dad.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:26

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I’ve found I remember best to do it when paired with another activity. Frequently , when it’s decent outside and I don’t have other plans, I’ll take a long-ish walk at lunch and then grab something to eat back at my desk. Giving them a call during these walks works well.

shop-teacher > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/26/2019 at 15:30

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That’s a good idea.  I try and call my dad Sunday mornings, but my results vary.  I should try your approach.

Svend > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:32

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Man, I’m so very sorry mate .

After this last week*, I’m trying not to go crazy.

*maybe more like two weeks

My grand father was admitted to the hospital, apparently he was seen by his neighbour trying to climb out his bungalow window and very confused.

Cue last Thursday, we all went to pick up the new car then on the way home went to visit my grand father in hospital, he was showing a lot of signs of confusion and rambling a lot, I noticed but my mum didn’t show any signs that he was rambling (when asked, she said that if a person is rambling, not to show confusion but to steer the conversation, because if they see you look at them slightly confused it can make them worse and they start to get agitated and either annoyed with themselves or revert into themselves and shut down).

Mum had a great day, Friday and Saturday passed by, as did Sunday.

Monday morning is where it all changed. In short I had just finished making breakfast and settled down to eat when my step-father shouted saying, ‘it’s your um’. I went down to find my step-father on the phone to the hospital, who then passed the phone to me. I was talking, mum was slumped over, but she sleeps in all sorts of positions so didn’t think much of it. The operator asked me to check on her breathing and I could hear a faint breathe sound, the operator asked me to listen to see if they were deep or shallow breathes, as I bent in to check, she stopped breathing, I panicked and put her back in the bed flat, she had stopped and the ambulance arrived a few seconds later.

I stood and watched as four paramedics did CPR, assessed, analysed and shot her three times with adrenaline, my step-father was crying in the next room but I wanted to be with me mother, he kept coming through, so I told him to sit in the back room and made him a strong but sweet cup of tea so I could go and focus on my mum and what ever the paramedics needed from me.

Unfortunately, it was to no avail and she passed.

We all took it hard and got in touch with the family to let them know. My sister and her partner are both special needs and we needed to tell them in person. As expected she didn’t take it to well and I saw her do something I’ve never seen her do before, as I was on the phone outside, she came out and smoked a cigarette, I’d never at all seen her do that ever.

While she smoked, she recounted a phone conversation she had with mum the day before.

It seems mum was annoyed because everyone was telling the hospital they were next of kin for my grand father, but she was, then my sister remembered one part of the conversation, my mum had said, ‘my family will be the cause of my next heart attack at this rate’. Shit.

So we have a grand father just diagnosed with dementia, the day before my mum’s passing had told my sister (who gets married in five weeks) her family would be the cause of her next heart attack, then my mum’s passing, did I mention my sister’s wedding and that all the family (that she now believes caused her mum’s heart attack, because my mum told her (granted it would of been in jest) it would.

I seriously want a do over for this last week.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:34

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I get my calls in, but I do need to find a regular time for the kids to get on FaceTime with them as well (if only for a few minutes). 

ttyymmnn > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 15:56

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While I still have my complete complement of parents, that time is probably not too many years off for my dad, who has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. My wife has lost both of her parents, first her father to colon and liver cancer. He passed away overnight while there were no family members present. But as a gnarled old Marine, he may have wanted it that way. He never got to meet his grandsons. My wife’s mother died from ALS. We were in TX, she was in VA. We visited as often as we could, and it was crushing to see a once vibrant person whose mind was still sharp as a tack trapped inside a horribly malfunctioning body and almost completely unable to speak. And I still remember vividly the last time we saw her, and how she sobbed when we left. She knew she would never see us again, and so did we. In fact, I’d rather not think about it, and I’m getting a bit choked writing this . She was very close to our oldest son, and he was devastated when we got the news. But I told him that his grief was nothing more than a sign of how much they loved each other.

I’m no psychiatrist, but I believe that  taking the time to write things out can be extremely cathartic. It’s an old trope to say that death is part of life, and that we must all move on. But moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.

Thanks for sharing.

XJDano > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 21:16

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This was a good read. I had a thought as I was reading where you wouldn’t be able to tell you mom, and my heart sank a few lines later as you told of her passing.

I recently had an uncle pass away recently  and I feel more of my dad’s family will be going the same as we are all getting older. I’ll have to tell you some time about my Uncle John. Possibly after an Indy race or rally-x. 

shop-teacher > ttyymmnn 02/26/2019 at 21:22

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Wow, that must have been gut wrenching.

Writing this definitely was cathartic, as is talking about it in person.

Thank you for sharing as well.

shop-teacher > XJDano 02/26/2019 at 21:24

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Thanks :)

I'd love to hear about him. Any chance you can make it to the 500 this year?

shop-teacher > Svend 02/26/2019 at 21:28

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Wow, that is a fucking brutal run you’re going through.

I had been thinking about writing this for a while now. Learning of you watching your mum die right in front of you, was the final kick in my ass I needed to finally sit down and do it.

Hang in there man, you'll get through it.

shop-teacher > TheRevanchist 02/26/2019 at 21:31

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Wow. Reading that made me cry. I’m so sorry.

If my kids weren’t in bed already, I’d go hug them.

shop-teacher > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/26/2019 at 21:33

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That's a good idea too.

XJDano > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 21:45

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I will be in Indy off and on this year for work . Not sure about Labor Day weekend.

Have to see how it goes. 

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 21:50

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Like I try to  tell my wife all the time, I only have good ideas. =)

shop-teacher > XJDano 02/26/2019 at 22:26

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Its Memorial Day weekend. You're welcome to crash with us, if you can make it.

shop-teacher > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/26/2019 at 22:27

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Your wife  doesn’t believe you either, does she? :)

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > shop-teacher 02/26/2019 at 22:47

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In her heart, she knows I’m right. 

Svend > shop-teacher 02/27/2019 at 02:41

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Thank you.

I’m so sorry you went through what you did.

I guess there is never truly a good time or best way for it to happen but when it’s surrounded by so many other bad things with something so great lik e the announcement of a new life, it makes the passing especially cruel.

Thank you for sharing mate and your supporting words.

shop-teacher > Svend 02/27/2019 at 06:58

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You’re welcome, and thank you for sharing as well.

It was tough having mom's death so closely linked to my daughter's birth. For the first couple years of her life, every time she learned how to do something new, I was instantly reminded that Mom wasn't around to share it with. I'm glad I got through that phase, that was no fun.

Monkey B > shop-teacher 02/27/2019 at 19:37

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it’s like living in a vacuum ...everyday is the same. Can’t plan a single thing, can’t change anything, can’t help anyone, everyone is exhausted and edgy. 

shop-teacher > Monkey B 02/27/2019 at 21:06

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Yeah, that's exactly how I remember it. It's quite the shit sandwich.